Nice jokes

seank said:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God ! are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my backside with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher
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Nice. If you dont mind can i share this in my wall? Thanks;)
 
I am seeing five gentlemen (give or take) every day .....
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed ...
Then I go to see John
Then Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and very glad to go to bed with Earl Grey
What a Life!
Oh yes I'm also meeting up with Al Zymer ..... Or whatever his name is, I forget!
And I'm thinking of calling Jack Daniels, Captain Morgan or Jhonny Walker to keep me company!
 
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Elke dag stap 'n man verby 'n bedelaar en gee hom tien rand. So gaan dit aan vir 'n jaar, maar skielik verander die daaglikse donasie na vyf rand.

"En nou meneer," vra die bedelaar. "Waarom krimp jou donasie aan my nou so skielik?"

"Wel," antwoord die man, "My oudste seun het universiteit toe gegaan. Dit kos baie geld, so ek moes my uitgawes sny."

"En hoeveel kinders het meneer?" vra die bedelaar.

"Vier" antwoord die man.

"O," se die bedelaar "Ek hoop net nie jy is van plan om hulle almal op my f@$#!n onkoste te laat studeer nie!"
 
A woman went to see her doctor and complained that her husband was drinking alot and was threatening to become physically abusive ..... Her doctor thought for awhile and said "Being the family doc for so many years, I have the perfect solution to your problem ..... When your husband comes home drunk, take a large beer mug of water and start sipping it, but don't swallow immediately, swirl it a few times and gargle for a little, then swallow, This whole process should take you about half an hour to finish the mug" mmmm strange advice but she'll give it shot as she didn't want to get a hiding .... True to doctors word, she followed it through and and her husband was sound asleep in half an hour just as she finished her water .... Little did she realise all she was doing for 30 minutes was keeping her big mouth shut with her water trick that kept her out of trouble .....
 
Cowboys and Chuck Norris sitting around a campfire, a nite of their tall tales begin.
1 Cowboy says " I've wrestled a bull by the horns with my bare hands.
2nd Cowboy, "I've bit a 15ft snakes head off and gulped the poison. Chuck Norris remained silent......slowly stirring the coals with his penis....
 
On this cold and miserable Sunday I decided to read some threads on MASA. However, it made me depressed as everyone is fighting, arguing etc, sooo, I decide to rather cheer me self up (I cannot go fishing in this weather:


A man went to the doctor one day and said: “I’ve just been playing Rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, my arms, my head, my tummy and everywhere else, it really hurt.” So the doctor said: “You’ve broken your finger.”
 
Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
 
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Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
 
lol.

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
 
[FONT=&quot]Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife and sends an sms to his Mother-in-law :[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Your product is not matching my requirements![/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Smart Mother-in-law replies :[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Warranty expired, manufacturer not responsible after seal is broken![/FONT][FONT=&quot]”:lol:[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man "Shit!, that must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman "I'm your husband, you idiot!!!"

So the woman answers:- "Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You son of a .......!!!"
 
There once was a Nigerian Family that moved into South Africa their little son Ayobie soon started school, when the teacher asked him his name he said Ayobie ma'am, the teacher then replied, you are now a South African and your name shall now be Sipho, so little Sipho went home and told his parents about his new name, they then beat him silly saying he was ashamed of his heritage

When Sipho went to school the next day his teacher, shocked by his bruises and swollen eye, asked him what happen, Sipho replied "well ma'am shortly after becoming South African I was attacked by two Nigerians"
 
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