Nice jokes

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by seank, 19 May 2008.

  1. seank

    seank

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    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

    He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
    "My God ! are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my backside with wet celery???"

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

    "No, I'm your son's teacher
     
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  3. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    BOSS: "Sipho, do you believe in life after Death?"
    Sipho: "Ack-chewully, no Sir"
    BOSS: "Why not?"
    Sipho: "Well, basikully, there is no proof that it Ack-chewully exists, Sir"
    BOSS: "Well there is proof now."
    Sipho: "Hai-bo! Seri-aaass?"
    BOSS: "Yes absolutely. After you left early yesterday to go to your Brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."
    Sipho: "Eeishh..."
     
  4. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    A blonde young lady was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

    Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the garage.
    The garage owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
    He told her just to go home and blow into the exhaust pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's exhaust pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

    Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the exhaust pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

    Her room mate rolled her eyes and said...
    "HELLLOOWW ... You gotta wind up the windows first!!..."
     
  5. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    If you need me today,


    I'm afraid I will be unavailable .


    I am going to be standing in front
    of a mirror practicing this look
    .


    And once I have it mastered.......
    I should be able to get away with

    ANYTHING!
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
  6. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
    traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the
    conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

    So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: " US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

    One week later, the South African press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, S.A. scientists have found absolutely nothing. The government have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft problems."
     
  7. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    Subject: Van Der Merwe in London brilliant!!!!!!!


    Van der Merwe goes to London to watch the Boks take on the Poms at Twikenham.

    Whilst in London, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything - so much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that he has to be rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.

    Van goes beserk: he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.

    He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal."

    Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."
     
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  8. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    George Bush was sitting in his office wondering which country to invade next when his telephone rang.

    "Howzit George!" a broken English voice said. "This is Koos here from the Doringboom Bar in Welkom, South Africa. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you boet!"

    "Well, Koos," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

    "Right now," said Koos, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Jan, my next door neighbour Lang Hannes, and the entire Darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

    George paused. "I must tell you, Koos that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

    "Bliksem!" said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!"

    Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again.

    "George, my china, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be, Koos?" George asked.

    "Well, we have 4 Hilux double cabs, two kombis, a bulldozer, and Vet Gert's John Deere.

    George sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1,5 Million since we last spoke."

    "Liewe Hel!" said Koos. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day.

    "George, ou swaer, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four okes from the Virginia hengelklub have joined us as well!"

    George was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.

    "My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

    "Goeie vrek!" said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Koos called again the next day. "Jis, jis, jis George! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

    "I'm sorry to hear that," said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    "Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over some Klippies & Coke, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war."
     
  9. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    How Latex Gloves Are Made ...

    A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very
    nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
    "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
    "No, I don't" she replied.
    "Well, there's a building in China with a big tank of latex.
    Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
    dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
    She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried," he thought.
    But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure,
    she burst out laughing.
    "What's so funny?" he asked.
    "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
    Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working! ​
     
  10. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    To Dean

    An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

    He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

    The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had

    some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it
    over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten-litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

    The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

    Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

    Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast.
     
  11. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    It's funnier if you read it with the Mexican accent...!
    I thought you should all suffer this like I did.....read on....

    The Bacon Tree--

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close todeath. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,when all of a sudden. ......

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

    "Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

    So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, andthere, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
    bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

    "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

    "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
    forget"

    "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...eesno meerage, ees a bacon tree".

    And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
    metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. True friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

    "Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"

    "Luis Luis MI amigo...what ees it?

    "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..

    Ees

    Ees

    Ees

    Ees

    Eees a Ham Bush.
     
  12. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after buying the right tools for
    the exercise she headed to the nearest frozen lake. After setting up her gear she proceeds to cut a circular hole in the ice.

    Suddenly from the heavens a voice bellowed,
    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    The poor blonde, startled, almost slipped and fell over, but she took her gear and moved further down the ice, poured herself a thermos of Nestle Hot Chocolate Lite and proceeded to cut another hole in the ice.

    The voice bellowed again from the heavens,
    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." ​
    Quite frightened she decided to move to the end of the ice.
    Determined she began to cut a hole again and as she stood up with her tools once again the voice boomed
    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    The petrified blonde raised her head and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice boomed back,
    "NO, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK." ​
     
  13. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    [​IMG]
     
  14. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father." The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

    The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many."
    The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!

    The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.

    "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."
     
  15. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    Two Irish engineers Patrick and Seamus (Design Engineers) were standing
    at the base of a flagpole, looking up.


    A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to
    find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick, "but we don't have a
    ladder."

    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
    the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket,
    took a measurement, announced, "5 metres" and then walked away.


    Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We
    ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
     
  16. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    Why Computers Sometimes Crash!
    by Dr. Seuss.


    (Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)
    [​IMG]
    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
    and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
    then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. ​
    [​IMG]
    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
    and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
    and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
    then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! ​
    [​IMG]
    If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
    says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
    but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
    that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall...... ​
    [​IMG]
    And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
    so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
    then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
    'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang. ​
    [​IMG]
    When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
    and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
    then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
    and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! ​
    [​IMG]
    Well, that certainly clears things up for me.
    How about you? ​
    [​IMG]
    Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives
    Any Questions????????????
     
  17. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

    "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
    You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
    TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
    going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
    Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
    you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have
    you
    LOST your mind?
    Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
    Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

    The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you!?!
    You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs!?!" ​
    The husband calmly replied, "....I wanted to show you what it
    feels like when I'm driving with you in the f-----g car...."
     
  18. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
    Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there
    airplane."

    And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs
    ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

    One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71
    years
    old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another
    chance."

    Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten
    dollars is ten dollars."

    The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
    take
    you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not
    say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten
    dollars."

    Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists
    and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks
    over again, but still not a word.

    They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I
    could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
    Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but
    ten dollars is ten dollars."
     
  19. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    To our Mods and big admin gurus:

    Here Our Great and Only Web-Master at hard work
    be scared be very afraid​
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
  20. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    Good one

    TAXI RIDE
    >
    > Togetherness Tshabalala weaves his Toyota High Impact African Culling
    > Equipment (Hi-Ace for short) through the rush-hour traffic, occasionally
    > using the pavement to increase productivity. The rising sun shines
    > brightly off Togetherness' gleaming stolen BMW hubcaps.
    >
    > Togetherness is a confident man with high spirits, as evidenced by the
    > stickers on this rear window:
    >
    > "GOD LOVES TAXI DRIVERS" and "AVOID CONSTIPATION - TRAVEL BY TAXI".
    >
    > On the front of his taxi, between a large dent, which ominously is in
    > the shape of a large traffic cop, and the holes from a small spray of
    > bullets, is a lurid notice reading: "JUKSKEI PARK EXPRESS INAUGURAL
    > FLIGHT". Using the word "flight" is Togetherness' own little personal
    > joke. What we are witnessing is the inaugural leg of what is hopefully
    > to become a daily service between Jukskei Park and Johannesburg ... a 25
    > km journey which takes 10 minutes ... less if the pavements are open.
    >
    > The percussion waves from Togetherness' powerful radio (taken from a BMW
    > Z3) pushes back the early mist. He is playing Boom Shaka's latest low
    > frequency, 120dB hit (How Low Can We Go). He hoots as he drives.
    > Togetherness hoots at anything he sees ... including trees ... as is the
    > custom of his people.
    >
    > On board the taxi are a dozen white people. They do not come whiter than
    > this. They are Omo white. But they were not born white. No, their pallor
    > is due to fear and stark terror.
    >
    > Take John Mleka. Never in his life has he done 0 to 100km/h in six
    > seconds - specially not in heavy traffic.
    >
    > Denise Mthaba's colour has changed from green/black to a sort of waxen
    > ivory as quickly as the last traffic light had changed to red. (A colour
    > which traditionally prompts taxi drivers to make even more haste).
    >
    > Togetherness regularly looks over his shoulder while driving - even for
    > a full minute - asking passengers their destinations.
    >
    > Elizabeth Mkize, sitting right at the back, has the opportunity to say
    > "Rendbeg Senta" even though she works in Johennesbeg. Randburg was
    > coming up fast and it suddenly seemed near enough for her (at only
    > 20km's to walk). She worries about how she will make her way to the
    > front - but only fleetingly, because the taxi has now reached Randburg
    > Centre and Togetherness has stopped. He has stopped as suddenly as a
    > plane might stop up against a mountain. Now EVERYBODY is at the front in
    > a warm, intimate heap. Elizabeth alights as gracefully as anybody can
    > with one knee locked behind the other. She is vaguely aware of
    > passers-by loosening her clothing and shouting ... "give her air !!"
    >
    > Togetherness bowls happily along Jan Smuts Avenue, overtaking a Police
    > BMW which is chasing a getaway car. Then he overtakes the getaway car
    > too - exchanging boisterous greetings with the driver, whom he knows.
    > Togetherness is steering with his elbows because he needs his hands free
    > to check the morning's takings and to wave to girls on the pavement.
    > What is even more remarkable is that Togetherness is doing this despite
    > the fact that his taxi does not have a steering wheel !
    >
    > When Togetherness' friend, Sipho stole this vehicle, it was fitted with
    > a steering lock, so Sipho had to remove the steering wheel. The spanner
    > that Sipho has attached to the steering bolt in its place is adequate
    > though. Togetherness smiles and turns to his passengers as he
    > accelerates past a truck on a blind rise. He announces "Ladies and
    > gentlemen, these ees your kepten. We will shortly be lending in
    > Johennesbeg. Plis make sure your seatbelts are in an upright posishun,
    > and your seats are fastened. Thenk you for flying with us today. We hope
    > to see you soon again."
    >
    > John Mleka is gripping his seat in front of him so tightly, that he
    > notices his finger tips have gone transparent, as a passing taxi fires a
    > brief burst from an automatic weapon in his direction,
    >
    > Togetherness now reaches the city and merges with the in-bound traffic
    > like his ancestors merged with the British at Isandlwana. He stops at
    > his usual disembarkment point in the middle of an intersection and picks
    > his teeth patiently while people sort out their legs and teeth, before
    > groping their way towards a pole around which they can throw their arms.
    > By the time his passengers' eyeballs have settled back in their parent
    > sockets, Togetherness is already halfway back to Jukskei Park with
    > another load of passengers.
    >
    > EEIISSHHHH !!!!!!
     
  21. seank

    seank Thread Starter

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    Classic one, although old

    SOME PEOPLE REALLY SHOULDN'T OPEN THEIR MOUTHS!!!

    I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Epol at Spar and was in line to check out.

    The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Epol Diet again, although, I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Epol pellets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me?.

    I told her no, I'd been sitting in the middle of the street trying to lick my ass when a car hit me.

    I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he fell on the floor laughing.
     
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