Wee-Man and Kanga's joke thread

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Kanga, 3 Mar 2008.

  1. Kanga

    Kanga Retired Moderator MASA Contributor

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    We thought we would try and keep all the jokes in one thread, came up with a shitty title so here you have it:thumbup:

    Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:

    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision

    Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.

    Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.
     
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  3. Mike

    Mike Retired Moderator

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    Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
    He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

    When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

    "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

    The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter."

    Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."

    St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

    Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

    "This isn't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
    The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

    "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

    "You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

    "Never!" replies Dave.

    "Well just relax and let it happen"

    So he did and, after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

    When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

    The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
    felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

    "Dave, wake up, you've sh* t the bed."
     
  4. Mike

    Mike Retired Moderator

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    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize
    'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. Although he was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help
    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

    He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
     
  5. Mike

    Mike Retired Moderator

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    THE WIT OF PETER KAY
    1)Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
    2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
    3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
    4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
    5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
    6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
    7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
    8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
    9) Everyone who has just read no.5 has just typed it into a calculator.
    10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
    11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
    12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
    13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
    14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
    15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
    16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
    17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
    18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
    19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
    20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
    21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
    22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
    23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
    24) You never ever run out of salt.
    25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
    26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
    27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
    28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
    29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
    30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
    31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
    32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
    33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
    34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
    35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
     
    Last edited: 4 Mar 2008
  6. Mike

    Mike Retired Moderator

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    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.





    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.




    The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'




    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.


    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing .
    'We missed the R !
    We missed the R !
    We missed the R !'


    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
    With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was..




    CELEB RATE

     
  7. Kanga

    Kanga Thread Starter Retired Moderator MASA Contributor

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    Estate Planning:

    A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
    said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your
    affairs in order.'

    The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
    waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we
    women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't
    go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head
    to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were
    feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.


    They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who
    were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

    The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.

    'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast and gave the
    woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter
    leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of
    cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

    The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your
    father after I'm gone.'

    That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'
     
  8. DragonReef

    DragonReef

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    55378008

    Boobless ??
     
  9. Hill

    Hill

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    Thats right, if you turn the calculator upside down.

    We used to spell LESLIE (317537) IS (51) BOOBLESS (55378008).
     
  10. Mike

    Mike Retired Moderator

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    Oh dear:whistling:

    To do it was sad enough dude, but to post it up:lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  11. Kanga

    Kanga Thread Starter Retired Moderator MASA Contributor

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    A couple gets married and being 1930 the take the horse cart about 20 miles down to a lovely scenic spot that they can have honeymoon at.

    However a few miles down the road the horse pulls skew and the cart almost goes of the gravel track, unfased the new husband gets off walk over to the horse taps him on the nose and says in a firm voice "This is your first warning" He gets back on the cart on off they go.
    A few miles further the same thing happens, the husband get of, taps the horse on the nose and says "This is your second warning".
    Now the wife is so impressed how calm her new husband is when the horse pulls skew she is even getting thoughts of how good a father he will be.

    Well the horse pull skew a few miles further, husband get off, taps the horse on the nose and says " This is you third and last warning" and off they go again.

    As they turning into their camping spot the horse again pulls skew, the husband gets off, gets his gun and without a word shoots the horse in the head, His now very shellshocked wife starts to protest telling him how wrong it is and that its cruel etc etc etc.

    He walks over to his new wife, taps her on the nose and says to her "This is your first warning"
     
  12. Rory

    Rory Admin MASA Contributor

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    So has angry tapped you on the nose yet Kanga?
     
  13. Kanga

    Kanga Thread Starter Retired Moderator MASA Contributor

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    Yip:blushing:
     
  14. Tom

    Tom

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    Great stuff thanks guys! ;)
     
  15. seank

    seank

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    Words of Wisdom
    This once again confirms that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. Wisdom...
    My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him... and the advice he used to give!
    Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said...

    "Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."

    Doctor Doctor


    Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
    "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
    When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
    "Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
    The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."



    Not going to try this again

    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
    Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
    She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.



    Golf and Funerals
    Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''

    The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''
     
  16. seank

    seank

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    Old Man Troubles

    An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, ''I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.'' ''What's wrong with that?'' asks the young man.
    Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, ''You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.''
    He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
    The young man puts his arm around him.

    ''I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?''
    The old man answers, again through his tears, ''I forgot where I live.''



    Old Chemist Joke- still think it is very funny
    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

    Handyman
    A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

    He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

    "Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

    To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

    "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

    "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

    So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

    She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

    He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

    She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
     
  17. seank

    seank

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    Punny Pun Pun
    1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

    2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

    3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

    4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, ''I'll just have the eggs Benedict.'' His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, ''What's with the hubcap?'' The waiter sings, ''Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!''

    5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

    6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

    7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''Because,'' he said, ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

    8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
    "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

    9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writer's cramp.

    10. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ''Amal.'' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ''Juan.'' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!''

    Witches
    Why don't witches wear panties?
    Better grip on the broom.
     
  18. seank

    seank

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    [​IMG]
     
  19. seank

    seank

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    Dentist
    A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

    The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

    "You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

    The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

    Tarzan the strong man
    Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.

    "Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

    "Why's that?"

    "It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."
     
  20. seank

    seank

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    CIA Vacancy

    A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

    "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
     
  21. seank

    seank

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    Trick or Treat
    Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

    Chritian Bear
    One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting.
    When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root. At this moment he was almost face to face with the bear. He dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make this bear a Christian.''

    And at that instant…the bear halted to a stop and dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive!''
     
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