Top jokes from around the world

Discussion in 'General Off Topic chats' started by chikaboo, 27 Jun 2009.

  1. chikaboo


    2 Jan 2009
    Likes Received:
    Newcastle - KZN
    Top Joke in England
    Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one.
    He screams, 'I slept with your mother!' The bar gets quiet as everyone
    listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, 'I
    SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!' The other says, 'Go home dad you're drunk.

    Top Joke in Northern Ireland
    A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear,
    what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have
    24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news
    possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you
    since yesterday'.

    Top Joke in Scotland
    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in
    terror like his passengers.

    Top joke in UK
    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'That's the
    ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!' The woman goes to the rear of the
    bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just
    insulted me!' The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go
    ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

    Top joke in USA
    A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One
    of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
    procession on the road next to the course.. He stops in mid-swing, takes off
    his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:
    'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
    truly are a kind man. The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for
    35 years.'

    Top joke in Canada
    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
    ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
    scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in
    zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass
    and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used
    a pencil.

    A couple are going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up,ready
    to go; the lights left on, the dog put out. But just as the taxi arrives and
    they step out of the house, the dogdarts back inside and won't come out.
    They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to
    find it, while the wife goes towait in the taxi.

    Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to thedriver
    that her husband had just gone 'to say good-bye to my mother'.

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
    'Sorry I took so long,' he says. 'Stupid biatch was hiding under the bedand I
    had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out ! Then I had to
    wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching andbiting me as I hauled
    her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She'd better not poop in
    the vegetable garden again!'. The silence in the cab was deafening.
  2. Guest

  3. FransSny


    16 Oct 2008
    Likes Received:
    VERY Funny Chicka
  4. seank


    24 May 2007
    Likes Received:
    North of Durban and South of Mozambique
  5. Jaak


    2 Jun 2008
    Likes Received:
    Cape Town
  6. riyadhessa


    21 Nov 2007
    Likes Received:
    Cape Town
  7. OP


    2 Jan 2009
    Likes Received:
    Newcastle - KZN
    Heres another classic : DONT LIE TO KIDS :

    [FONT=&quot]There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers[/FONT][FONT=&quot]his private parts with a newspaper.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The little girl says, "What's under there?" [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]So the man answers, "A bird."[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]happened?"[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl." [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]When they get there, they see the little girl the[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]She answers, " I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs.[/FONT]

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