THE DARWIN AWARDS - January 2008

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Shaun, 11 Jan 2008.

  1. Shaun

    Shaun Retired Moderator

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    RUNNER UP # FIVE:
    THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS (Confirmed True by Darwin)

    "Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills,"
    remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall, commenting on a 29-year-old
    computer tutor's decision to drive along Highway 99 in California
    while working on his laptop. He drifted over the center line, and
    was killed by oncoming traffic. CHP officers found Oscar's computer
    still running, plugged into the Honda Accord's cigarette lighter.


    --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
    RUNNER UP # FOUR:
    SUPERIOR MOMENTUM (Confirmed True by Darwin)

    June 2007, Illinois | Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by
    playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail
    the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of
    midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named
    Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on,
    as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.



    --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
    RUNNER UP # THREE:

    BARN DEMOLITION (Unconfirmed by Darwin)

    January 2007, West Virginia) Three friends set out to dismantle
    a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of
    bracing... One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped
    through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full
    barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between
    the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun
    and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull
    of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a
    consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at
    demolishing the barn.

    (Darwin notes, this story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have
    come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.)



    Addendum: This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner.
    Two other groups of people attempted to remove the supports from
    beneath a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In both cases,
    the structure collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh!


    --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
    RUNNER UP # TWO:
    MOLE HUNT (Confirmed True by Darwin)

    January 2007, East Germany | One man's extraordinary effort to
    eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the
    mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to
    a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man
    stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the
    Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before
    venturing onto the property.



    --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
    RUNNER UP # ONE:
    WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)

    June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old
    deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise.
    Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of
    clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators
    eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building:
    two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new
    meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped
    metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the
    roof," Sgt. McCants said.


    --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
    AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...

    THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)

    May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary
    alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well,
    rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often
    used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.
    And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.

    Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces,
    right up the old address!

    When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or
    pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed
    out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be
    absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

    The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself.
    Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

    In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove
    himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication
    of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be
    described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said
    they were surprised to learn of the incident.
     
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  3. Mike

    Mike Retired Moderator

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    Brilliant, i love the annual Darwin awards.:thumbup:
     
  4. Hill

    Hill

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    Love them too. As well as the Stella awards.
     
  5. Warr7207

    Warr7207

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    weird O's
     
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