Randoms

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by scubaninja, 11 Dec 2008.

  1. scubaninja

    scubaninja

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    Anger Management


    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f**in number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

    After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop.

    So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

    He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

    I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"

    One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"



    "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

    "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

    "What's your name?" I asked.

    "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

    "I'm home every evening after five."

    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

    "Yes?"

    "Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

    Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.

    "Hello."

    "You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

    "Are you still there?" he asked.

    "Yeah," I said.

    "Stop calling me," he screamed.

    "Make me," I said.

    "Who are you?" he asked.

    "My name is Don Hansen."

    "Yeah? Where do you live?"

    "Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

    I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.

    Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.

    "Hello, arsehole," I said.

    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

    "You'll what?" I said.

    "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

    I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

    NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
     
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  3. Mike

    Mike Retired Moderator

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    That is brilliant
     
  4. shane

    shane

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    Hey Scubaninja,
    You have out done your self this time that was excellent.
    Cheers
    shane:yeahdude:
     
  5. scubaninja

    scubaninja Thread Starter

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    shot buddies:p
     
  6. scubaninja

    scubaninja Thread Starter

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    Revenge is sweet

    [​IMG]

    Golf for Beginners

    [​IMG]

    Irish Paramedics

    [​IMG]

    A JOLLY GOOD RECOVERY

    [​IMG]

    SAY IT SLOWLY....

    [​IMG]

    A Kodak Moment

    [​IMG]

    How men screw up romance

    [​IMG]

    Parents can be so cruel

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
  7. scubaninja

    scubaninja Thread Starter

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    Just like Cigarettes



    Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's
    Suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all
    Varieties of alcohol containers:






    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING:

    The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
    Happened to your bra and panties.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
    When you are not.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
    Retard.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
    And over again that you love them.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
    Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
    Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
    Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
    Laughing WITH you.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your
    Ass kicked.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~


    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you believe you are a formula 1 Champion!
    ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel
    Gode.
     
  8. scubaninja

    scubaninja Thread Starter

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    Spread the Stupidity







    Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.





    Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


    Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



    Only in
    America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



    Only in
    America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.





    Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


    EVER WONDER ...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
    our skin?




    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?



    Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


    Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


    Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?


    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?



    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?




    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?




    Why do they sterilize the needle for
    lethal injections?



    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!



    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?



    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?




    If flying is so safe,
    why do they call the airport the terminal?
     
  9. scubaninja

    scubaninja Thread Starter

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    Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

    1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
    2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

    1st woman: I froze to death.
    2nd woman: How horrible!

    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
    get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
    cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found
    him all by himself in the den watching TV.

    1st woman: So, what happened?

    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
    started running all over the house looking.

    I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went
    through every closet and checked under all the beds.

    I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
    exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
    alive.
     
  10. scubaninja

    scubaninja Thread Starter

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    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
    his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
    sponge bath.
    Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
    wash your upper body and feet.'

    He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

    Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
    about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
    covers She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
    in the other.

    Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
    Sir!'

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
    'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
    closely......

    A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
     
  11. ben lloyd

    ben lloyd

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    HA AH AHA HA HA AHA BOY PORE NURSE reminds me when i was in hospital it's very bad!!! when they start to fiddle down there.ESPECIALLY when they wants to shave it all off
     
  12. scubaninja

    scubaninja Thread Starter

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    haha, sounds like a funny story ben! i like nurses:p
     
  13. seank

    seank

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    LoL, good stuff. Really enjoyed it
     
  14. jacquesb

    jacquesb Retired Moderator

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    HHhhhaaaa-hhhahahhahhahahaa- hhhhh aaaaaahhhhhaaa.... Really FUNNY!
     
  15. keyaam

    keyaam

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    :lol::lol::lol:
     
  16. goodisor

    goodisor

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    Very good Scuba.I havent laughed that much in a long time [​IMG]
     
  17. scubaninja

    scubaninja Thread Starter

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    glad to hear it guys
     
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