$$$ outlay versus the missus

Discussion in 'The Sump' started by RocketRooster, 20 Dec 2012.

  1. RocketRooster

    RocketRooster

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    I could use a bit of a pep talk/perspective correction here, fellers.

    Having a marine tank has long been a dream of mine - not a very serious one, mind you, but something that's I always aspired to when I kept FW as a teenager/student.

    Now that I'm older and have a good job, I can indulge in it. At least, so I thought. Maybe.

    The first hurdle was convincing the wife that a 2m tank is better than a 1.2m tank. (Well it is, isn't it? Bigger is better, no? :whistling:)

    Then it was the siting of the damn thing. My house is designed very weird - there's no 2m+ sections of wall suitable except in the study (which hardly anybody uses).The one place where it would fit nicely, was instantly vetoed. "You're not going to risk flooding the lounge etc etc etc :nono:"

    So the compromise was the "mancave", a room adjacent to the master bedroom with a doorway from the master suite. We spend most of our free time here, but it would require removal of a table and allsorts. Dealing with humidity is also a niggling concern.

    Everything was okay and sorted, until I mentioned to her today my plan to spend R6k-odd at RapidLED. Well lemme tell you, the brown hit the round in a big way.

    "****IN' SIX THOUSAND RAND FOR COMPONENTS?!" was the sms response I received.

    Now.... I'm tempted to just go, aaahhh fuggit, and just order the bloody things. Problem is, I don't have a credit card, never had one. So I have to use the missus'.

    Affordability is not at issue here - we can fit it into our budget. I am however feeling a little bit miff, since I pour my entire salary into the house and kids. I have a fairly large disposable income, much larger than my wife's, but there's a black hole where it all disappears into every month. I very rarely buy myself stuff, and to be honest I'm feeling pretty damned resentful that I am forced to be beholden to my missus about this. I have always allowed her to control the finances - her salary is not very big compared to mine and I never wanted her to feel like dominated in a financial sense, if you know what I mean.

    But now, ironically, I am the one feeling dominated, and it's never ever been this way in our relationship. She says she has no problems with me getting the tank, but my bullshit-o-meter is twitching. I know my wife better than anyone, and I can't help but feel that I'm forging ahead with this tank get-up at her emotional expense.

    I don't feel like I'm being manipulated/put on a guilt trip - far from it. It's just that my wife's desire to see me happy isn't balanced properly with what I can only percieve as negative vibes surrounding the project. So the nett result is that my enthusiasm for it is slowly slipping away. But she would be horrified and offended if I even suggested that she is putting me off it.

    I'm pretty sure I'm not the only schmuck who's been in this position - marine tanks are $$$$. How do you okes deal with this sort of thing? Any advice from the longbeards? I refuse to just simply do what I want - a marriage is a partnership and these things need to be negotiated.

    Cheers!
    Riaan
     
    Last edited: 20 Dec 2012
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  3. LCornelius

    LCornelius Moderator

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    Make her part of the build. Take her to shops to view fish and corals.
    Alternatively: Get your own credit card!
     
  4. RocketRooster

    RocketRooster Thread Starter

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    She has no enthusiasm for it at all. Her ex-husband had a 4ft FW tank that burst in the living room.

    So, now, knowing this bit of history makes her behaviour explainable. It is however, unacceptable, since I am NOT HER F*&%KING EX-HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  5. Express Reef

    Express Reef

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    Smile and wave boet smile and wave:) If they say no it gives me more reason to get what I want
     
  6. irie ivan

    irie ivan MASA Contributor

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    WOW, how does one reply to this.... My better half is totally hooked on marines, so its really easy for me. We talk about things I want to buy and often I am the one who has to put the breaks on myself and cannot justify some expenses.
    Unlike you, I do not have much of a disposeable income, but that does not curb my addiction..

    Throughout your thread posts, I have noticed the wanting to not blw the budget, good to now overstand the reasosn;).

    Your wife does however have a point.... Perhaps she has heard just how addictive this can get and just how crazy expensive, not just financially, but also in terms of time and other resources......
     
  7. irie ivan

    irie ivan MASA Contributor

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    Or just go with that, lol
     
  8. Albert Terego

    Albert Terego

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    It's all about compromise from both sides. Be upfront with her that this is an expensive hobby, ask her what amount of money she would be comfortable spending on a system, and then negotiate around this.

    Gifts for her will also help - when I got my first tank and had it short while she bought herself a R35000 ring to square things up a bit - fair is fair.

    However you do not also have to go out and blow a huge amount of money buying top branded items and equipment at this stage - look around for good second-hand equipment - it is generally freely available and cheap.

    Then it iwll be easier to get your wifes buy-in - she'll more readily agree for you to spend 6K on used equipment worth 12K than to spend 6K on new equipment that will be worth 3K when you want to sell it.
     
    Last edited: 20 Dec 2012
  9. CarlosF

    CarlosF

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    My girlfriend also hates the whole tank story and im not even married yet. i have spent alot of money on my new tank. just decided screw it i can do alot more with a tank than she can with an engagement ring. but shhhhh no one tell her that. i have learned the hard way with buying cheap systems and equipment in the past so went as full out as i could but cost me alota thousands. i think your whole issue here is the 2meter tank ditch that idea and go smaller. gona save you alot of dough and keep peace in your home. bigger isnt always beter exspecially if you just starting out noy sure if you will stick through the first year.. just my thoughts
     
  10. RocketRooster

    RocketRooster Thread Starter

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    Not 100% sure how I feel about that, Carlos. Haven't introspected about it enough, maybe.

    If I go, say, 4ft - it's even odds whether I give up or carry on. And I don't really suspect adding two feet is going to change those odds. I do know, however, that success would mean I would want a bigger tank.

    I'd rather go big, and fail at it, than go small and want to upgrade. I reckon if I'll fail, I'll fail, regardless of the tank size.
     
  11. Express Reef

    Express Reef

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    I feel your pain. I would say, start the system, slowly do it over a period off a few months...
     
  12. Omlette

    Omlette

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    If I go, say, 4ft
    :eek: the ex had the 4ft!! So you will have to do 5ft or 6ft :whistling:
     
  13. Ridwaan

    Ridwaan

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    @gMAN has a nice saying at the end of his posts.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: 26 Nov 2015
  14. Gerhard DP

    Gerhard DP

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    Wish I had 6k to spend on a tank :)

    Anyway my wife don't LOOOVE the little one I have but she does not mind it either. She understands that fiddling in my tank a little after work or whenever is my alone time that I need. O and a outlet for some creativity ( the artist in me)

    Men have a nothing box in their minds where we sometimes spend time and woman cant understand it as they do not have that box.
    Google mens nothing box and show her the youtube clip. She might then understand it better :)

    On the other hand I have in the past caught myself spending way to much time, energy and money on aquariums that was not good at all. Had to scale down and balance things better.

    My opinion she is not mad about the tank it is something else you are neglecting.
     
  15. vatso

    vatso

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    The question is would you be unhappy if she wanted to spend her money on a hobby or would you be happy for her?

    it's not easy I am very lucky I have a woman now it only took a good 30 Years to find her who lets me spend my money on anything I want, from Fish tanks to a microlight in the same breath she loves wake boarding so we have a place at the vaal and a boat which is more for her then me.

    I think you need a heart to heart about the hobby and how important it is to you and then do a budget with her so she know how much it's going to cost and then she must be happy with it and if not it's not worth the fight it's hard enough to run a tank with someone who supports you let alone when your partner does not.
     
  16. gMAN

    gMAN with the plan

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    everything that I bought for this hobby, was at 1/4 of the price (wink wink). My wife at first point blank shot me down on the initial idea of setting up, so the one day, I just said eff'it, walked in with a 3ft and set it up. 6 months later I upgraded to a 4ft, then a year later, WE upgraded to a 5ft. eventually it grew on her. If it is a passion that you want to pursue and if you don't run the risk of jeopardising your relationship, buy the tank and equipment set it up, the ranting should hopefully last day or 2. If you decide on doing this, go with a 5ft or a decent size cube as this will allow you to keep a wider variety of fish and corals, if all else fails, it will be easier to sell compared to a 4ft.
    When buying your tank, be sure to get one that is of good quality, design and build, so you don't run the risk of flooding, make it your mission to do it successfully and again, hopefully, it will grow on her...

    Good luck!
     
  17. williet

    williet Look at the shiny LEDs!!!

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    My take on this

    Been with my fiancé for 3 years and we have not had any issues regarding my 2mtrs. She Once complained of me spending to much time, worked more clever and now I don't spend nearly as much time I actually enjoy my tank and I run a full SPS reef.


    Your first mistake - MANAGE YOUR OWN FINANCES

    As much as you think your idea is good, it is not. My mrs has her own money, does not earn as much as me but we break up the responsibilities with me carrying the bulk of the expenses and I have a rule - be generous and let her not want for anything.

    By letting her manage your funds you give her control without her realising it! It is the situation where you have to ask her for money the whole time and the balance is disturbed. Both of you must contribute and each have a little to spend on yourself. Lemme guess. You have a joint account? Bad idea.

    That is my take. You are already down this road so it is going to be difficult to change the status quo.

    Just by doing what I have done, she is supportive and even buys me toys for my birthday for the tank!

    Go with a 1.5m less to maintain and cheaper to run!

    Good luck
     
  18. gMAN

    gMAN with the plan

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    Agree on everything that @williet has said...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: 26 Nov 2015
  19. vatso

    vatso

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    PS - its the end of the world any case go buy the light and enjoy it for the next few days :)
     
  20. RocketRooster

    RocketRooster Thread Starter

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    No joint account, she simply has free access to my debit card.

    I think you hit the nail on the head when you reckon there's something else I'm neglecting. There's actually a whole bunch of things around the house that need cash injections (we need better security, for one). So I'll freely admit that my priorities aren't strictly in order here.
     
  21. RocketRooster

    RocketRooster Thread Starter

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    Last edited by a moderator: 26 Nov 2015
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