Nice jokes

Politically Correct Joke


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th December 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m..

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline
-------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December 2007
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it
our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.
-------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th December 2007
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed

now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

-------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December 2007

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs; perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag.
Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements/on the gay men's table too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress: no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food; we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

-------------------------------------------------------------



FROM: Pauline Leis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 December 2007

RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday; drink, drive and die.

The Bitch from
HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------



FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources
Director
DATE: 9th December 2007

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
 
Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Jack placed $50 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $50 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.....
 
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A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, " I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
"You want... Garric Chicken with corrifrowa?"
 
IDIOTS IN SERVICE


This week, my phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail. I asked him, "Does YOUR e-mail work without a telephone line?"
IDIOTS AT WORK

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare .(SOME MANAGERS FAVOURITE)
IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
 
Noah's ark problems in South Africa

In the year 2004, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South
Africa, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark
and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights”.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his back yard ....
but no ark.

“Noah”, He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah. “But things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I’ve violated the neighbourhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then South African Transport and Eskom demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I argued that the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the Giant Spotted Owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When
I started gathering the animals, I got sued by and some animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will also,
they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then Kort Broek of Environment Affairs ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark
until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on
how many previously disadvantaged individuals I’m supposed to hire for my
building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Customs and Revenue via the Scorpions seized all
my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish
this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not
going to destroy the world?”.

“No”, said the Lord. “The South African Government beat me to it!”
 
Mekaeel

Dear All I'm selling a BMW 325i, black, alloys, 21,250 kilometres, as new,
except for a small dent in the roof due to a football.
Leather interior.
Engine A1 condition, 170 BHP.
See attached photo.
Price: R30,000 for quick sale
Let me know ASAP
Beamer.jpg

​
 

Subject: Bravery

Definition of Bravery:

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night
out with the boys. Being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your
wife. . .. and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?'
 
This is good.

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send a e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail out.

Meanwhile .............somewhere in Cape Town a widow had just arrived home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her emails, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which Read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: Oct 04, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.s. It is damn hot down here!
 
Nice Dude, no more christmas parties for me too, you have given me all the ammo i need :lol:
 
LAG VIR 'N SLAG !!!





As wit mense 'n "Blonde oomblik" kry,
Wat kry swart mense dan?
A: 'n Blackout!

Wat is die ooreenkoms tussen 'n tottie en 'n tyre?
A: Altwee raak pap as hulle 'n spyker kry!

Boer ry 2 swartes dood.
Polisie: Hoe vinnig het jy gery meneer?
Boer: Net 60.
Polisie: K@k man! Die een is dan deur die windscreen, en die ander een 30 m van die kar af!
Boer: Ja okay, 160 km/h
Polisie: In daai geval, sluit ek die een toe vir inbraak, en die ander een vir verlaat van ongeluks toneel!

8 jarige Jannie in hof vir rape.
Vroue prokureur hanteer sy saak.
Sy haal Jannie se tottie uit en vra die regter : "Dink U die klein dingetjie kan rape?"
Jannie fluister: "Tannie, moenie so kwaai skud nie. Ons gaan die saak verloor!"

Die blond staan kaal, hande 4 voet op die strand, toe iemand haar vra of sy leeuloop.
Sy antwoord toe: "Nee, ek wil voel hoe die son steek!"

Chinese couple had a black baby.
Husband didn't believe it is his.
Husband: "Why baby black?"
Wife:"You hot, I hot ...Baby burnt!"

Meraai sit wydsbeen op die sypaadjie in die son.
Polisieman vra: Wat maak jy?
Meraai: "Ek het nou net my huur betaal, nou lat ek net die kwitansie droog word.



NOOT VIR NOOT !!!
Kriptiese leidraad: Kondome hang aan 'n wasgoeddraad.
Wat is die Liedjie?
Kinders van die wind!

Papagaai en uil is in 1 hok.
Papagaai: Vir jou sal ek spyker.
Uil: Hoe - Hoe!
Papagaai: Nie Hoe - Hoe nie, sommer so fokk3n staan staan!

Wat is die verskil tussen 'n speedtrap, en draadtrek?
A: F0k0l, jy skrik ewe groot as jy gevang word!
Man in restaurant vra kelner: "Het julle wilde eend?"
Kelner: "Nee meneer, maar ons kan vir jou 'n makke de moer in maak."

Two dyslexics walk into a bank and shout:
"Air in the hands you Motherstickers, this is a****up!!!"

Have a lekka dag !!!
 
Why's of Men


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?​

(because they are plugged into a genius)​



2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?​


(they don't have enough time) ​



3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?​


(they don't stop to ask directions)​


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?​

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) ​

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)​



5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?​

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) ​


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?​


(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)​


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?​


(don't know.....it never happened)​


( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)​


And the personal favorite:​


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?​

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)​


Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !​
One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
 
[FONT=&quot]IF[/FONT][FONT=&quot] MUSIC BANDS HAD AFRIKAANS NAMES:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
1. Bananarama-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Piesangmargarine[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
2. Joan Armatrading[/FONT][FONT=&quot] -[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Johanna Wapenhandelaar[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
3. Johnny Rotten & the Sex Pistols - Jannie Vrot en die Pomp Revolwers
4. Iron Maiden- Yster Sussie
5. Ladysmith Black Mambazo - Mevrou Smit se Swart Mambas
6. Four Jacks and a Jill- Vier Latte en 'n [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Platte[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
7. Queen - Moffie
8. Frankie goes to [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Hollywood[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Frikkie gaan Fliek toe [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
9. Ace of Base[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Baas se As[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
10. Meatloaf[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Vleisrol[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
1 1. Spice Girls [/FONT][FONT=&quot]-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Aromat Slette[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
12. Simple Minds - Dofkoppe
13. Hughie Lewis and the News - Louis Luyt in die Nuus
14. Mariah Carey - Meraai se Kerrie
15. Smashing Pumpkins- Plategemoerde Pampoene[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]16. Pet Shop Boys- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Troeteldier winkel mannetjies[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]17.Erasure- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Vee haar uit[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]18.Bruce Springsteen- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Beseerde klippe en stene[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
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