Just to give you a smile
- Thread starter Mike
- Start date
Kanga
Retired Moderator
hope I dont have any Xmas pics like that again this year
lol, what you holding in your hand, a cup of skimmate ?
Mike
Retired Moderator
Kanga
Retired Moderator
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has
been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!" What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith. "Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's test." That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you're on Discovery Health, and they won't pay for these tests more than once." "What am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith "Discovery recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!" What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith. "Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's test." That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you're on Discovery Health, and they won't pay for these tests more than once." "What am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith "Discovery recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
Kanga
Retired Moderator
Santa in summer 
Kanga
Retired Moderator
VOTED THE BEST JOKE IN UK IN 2006
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two
kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children
you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?.....
Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter,
"I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two
kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children
you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?.....
Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter,
"I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"
Mike
Retired Moderator
Yep, no idea why, the big fella just told me to hold it point upwards:iamwithstupid:
Little Johnnie is been look after by his Grandma.
He comes running inside and asks GM, what do you call it when somebody sleeps on top of another person?
GM is a bit shocked about the Q, but thinks it may be time to tell him. She tells him it is called sex.
Little Johnnie run back outside to play.
After a while he comes running back inside and say GM you are wrong it is call bunk-beds. Oh and Tom's mom want to talk to you.
He comes running inside and asks GM, what do you call it when somebody sleeps on top of another person?
GM is a bit shocked about the Q, but thinks it may be time to tell him. She tells him it is called sex.
Little Johnnie run back outside to play.
After a while he comes running back inside and say GM you are wrong it is call bunk-beds. Oh and Tom's mom want to talk to you.
Mike
Retired Moderator
Mr Smith takes his wife to the hospital to have some tests done, a couple of days later he phones them to get the results back. They say their was a mix up as they had 2 smiths in on the same day, so his wife ether has AIDs or Alzheimers. He asks if they can do the test again. They say Discovary health only pays for one test, but Discovary say he must should take his wife to the centre of JHB and if she finds her way home not to sleep with her.
Mike
Retired Moderator
Mike
Retired Moderator
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and, even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to find there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
"Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to find there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
"Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"
Classic
Mike
Retired Moderator
[FONT="]Aussie Tracker[/FONT]
[FONT="]An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists [/FONT]
[FONT="]the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian [/FONT]
[FONT="]Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.[/FONT]
The Americans were incredulous.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, [/FONT]
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, [/FONT]
[FONT="]lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine. [/FONT]
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine. [/FONT]
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
[FONT="]The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.
It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has [/FONT]
[FONT="]dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. [/FONT]
[FONT="]There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
[FONT="]"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one. [/FONT]
[FONT="]The Aborigine replied, [/FONT]
[FONT="]"I fell out of the F--- thing about half an hour ago!"[/FONT]
Found this one Reef Keeping.
[SIZE=+1][SIZE=+2] [/SIZE][SIZE=+2] Top Ten Unexpected Skills Learned from Reefkeeping... (Part II)[/SIZE][/SIZE]
10) Don't adjust your calcium reactor while intoxicated!
TinyTanker of Central Austin
9) I've learned the skill of using Jedi mind tricks on my girlfriend - "That coral was there yesterday, baby! I haven't purchased a new animal in quite sometime!"
izzy_real of Bristol, TN
8) I've learned that changing dirty diapers isn't so bad and stinks far less than cleaning my skimmer's collection cup.
afelder of Tustin, CA
7) First skill learned: "smuggling" something HUGE into my house successfully without being noticed by my parents. Second skill learned: to be ready for all sorts of interrogations by anyone, at anytime and anywhere!
harryang90 of Penang, Malaysia
6) I have become a fairly good pitcher after geting mad and throwing my live rock, powerheads and heaters.
yellowslayer13 of Santa Monica, CA
5) I have learned how to clean up vast quantities of saltwater off the floor, and convince my parent's and the landlords that nothing's happened.
Fishkeeper101 of Santa Cruz
4) I have acquired the ability to launder my equipment and coral purchases through our checkbook without my wife finding out how much I actually spent!
reef_dude76 of Maryville, TN
3) After refusing to put in a GFI outlet, I can now jump start my wife's car on a cold Iowa morning with a single touch of my finger.
Atticus of Davenport, Iowa
2) I have learned give to my wife a science fiction explanation about why I had to buy that frag and she will be ok with it.
HPD Turbo of Unknown Whereabouts
1) I can juggle a 5-gallon jug on one knee, hold a siphon tube under my arm while starting a siphon with my mouth, while mopping up water with my other hand and all the while standing on the arm of the couch dodging the overhead ceiling fan with six T5 lights shining in my face and convincing my wife that our floors will be fine with 100 gallons of saltwater on them. I am thinking about joining the circus.
Dirt4dinner of Mesa, AZ
[SIZE=+1][SIZE=+2] [/SIZE][SIZE=+2] Top Ten Unexpected Skills Learned from Reefkeeping... (Part II)[/SIZE][/SIZE]
10) Don't adjust your calcium reactor while intoxicated!
TinyTanker of Central Austin
9) I've learned the skill of using Jedi mind tricks on my girlfriend - "That coral was there yesterday, baby! I haven't purchased a new animal in quite sometime!"
izzy_real of Bristol, TN
8) I've learned that changing dirty diapers isn't so bad and stinks far less than cleaning my skimmer's collection cup.
afelder of Tustin, CA
7) First skill learned: "smuggling" something HUGE into my house successfully without being noticed by my parents. Second skill learned: to be ready for all sorts of interrogations by anyone, at anytime and anywhere!
harryang90 of Penang, Malaysia
6) I have become a fairly good pitcher after geting mad and throwing my live rock, powerheads and heaters.
yellowslayer13 of Santa Monica, CA
5) I have learned how to clean up vast quantities of saltwater off the floor, and convince my parent's and the landlords that nothing's happened.
Fishkeeper101 of Santa Cruz
4) I have acquired the ability to launder my equipment and coral purchases through our checkbook without my wife finding out how much I actually spent!
reef_dude76 of Maryville, TN
3) After refusing to put in a GFI outlet, I can now jump start my wife's car on a cold Iowa morning with a single touch of my finger.
Atticus of Davenport, Iowa
2) I have learned give to my wife a science fiction explanation about why I had to buy that frag and she will be ok with it.
HPD Turbo of Unknown Whereabouts
1) I can juggle a 5-gallon jug on one knee, hold a siphon tube under my arm while starting a siphon with my mouth, while mopping up water with my other hand and all the while standing on the arm of the couch dodging the overhead ceiling fan with six T5 lights shining in my face and convincing my wife that our floors will be fine with 100 gallons of saltwater on them. I am thinking about joining the circus.
Dirt4dinner of Mesa, AZ