Jokes i've come across

Discussion in 'General Off Topic chats' started by scubaninja, 2 Dec 2009.

  1. scubaninja


    20 Jul 2008
    Likes Received:
    Will walks into a pub and sits down. He orders a pint and notices a brown paper bag on the counter.
    Will asks the barkeep :" What's in the paper bag?"
    The barkeep pulls the paper bag closer and pulls out a miniature piano with a miniature pianist and places them on the bar. The miniature pianist proceeds to belt out great classics.
    Will,wide-eyed,exclaims:" That's amazing! Where'd you get that?"
    Barkeep:"See that magic lamp over there? There's a genie in there.He grants wishes."
    Will asks:" Mind if I ask for a wish?"
    Barkeep:"Sure,be my guest."
    Will rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out and asks Will what he would like to wish for
    Will:" I want a million bucks!"
    Instantly the pub is filled with a million quacking ducks.
    Will:" I think your genie is a little deaf"
    Barkeep:"I know, I didn't ask him for a 10-inch pianist."


    A married couple having their first baby were invited to make use of a
    new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains
    to the Baby's father.

    Both were happy to try it.

    The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing so
    the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt
    fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick
    it up to 50 percent.

    Still no reaction.

    The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the
    wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
    husband and the doctor were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the gardener was lying dead at the gate.


    During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

    The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

    The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

    "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

    The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

    "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

    "Like what?" asked the bartender.

    "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

    The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

    So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

    "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

    The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

    "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

    "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

    With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

    The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

    The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

    The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

    The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"


    Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

    The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

    The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

    The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

    The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"


    A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
    "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

    Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

    The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
    "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

    Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

    The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
    "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

    Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
    "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like cr@p!!!"

    "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

    3 Shots of Tequila
    A guy walks into a bar, whch happens to be at the top of a 20 story building. He sits down next to this other guy, who has 3 shots of Tequila in front of him. They exchange hello's, and in a lil bit, the other guy takes a deep breath, slams the 3 shots, and jumps out the window of the bar.

    The other guy can't believe it! "What the hell was that?" He goes back to his drinking.

    About 5 minutes later, the jumper comes back in, sits down at the bar, and says, "Bartender, 3 more shots of Tequila."

    The Bartender lines them up. After a few minutes, he takes a deep breath again, slams all 3 shots, and jumps out the window!

    The other guy says, " Oh WTH is this?!?!"

    He asks the bartender, but the bartender just says he's been doing that all day.

    5 minutes later, the guy comes back up.

    "Bartender, 3 more..."

    Guy 2 says,
    "WHOAWHOAWHOA, hold on a minute! What the hell are you doing???"

    Guy 1 says, "Oh it's totally awesome. You take a deep breath, do 3 shots of Tequila to relax you and take your mind off the ground, jump out the window. The wind shear off the side of the building will keep you afloat, and you coast down to the ground, landing on your feet. Try it. It's awesome!!!"

    so guy 2 says, "Oh I gotta try this. Bartender, 3 shots of Tequila."

    Bartender lines them up.

    Guy 2 is pretty nervous tho, and Guy 1 reassures him it's safe.

    Finally guy 2 says, "ok, here goes"

    Takes a deep breath,
    does the 3 shots of Tequila,
    jumps out the window,
    and crashes on the ground to his death.

    The bartender says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a$$hole when you're drunk."


    i laughed big at this one :)


    A man is concerned with the size of his member, and feels extremely insecure. His friends tell him of a "natural doctor" who can fix these problems. He goes to this doctor and the doctor tells him,
    "I have had many people with your condition, and i know of a solution. There is a frog in the middle of the forest near here, and every time you get him to say 'no' it will grow larger."
    So the man goes into the forest and finds the frog and asks him
    "Will you give me a kiss?"
    To which the frog replies,
    The man looks in his pants and sees it is larger than before, and so decides to repeat it.
    "Will you give me a kiss?"
    Will you give me a kiss?"
    Will you give me a kiss?"
    The man goes back to the doctor and tells him of this new problem. The doctor tells him,
    "There is a fix, but it wont work again, so make sure you get this one right, okay? Go into the town nearby and bump into people on the street, every time they apologise it will shrink a bit."
    So the man goes into the town and bumps into someone.
    "Sorry mate" comes the reply.
    He bumps into another,
    "sorry about that" the other person says.
    Then he bumps into another man, and he turns and says,
    "A million apologies."


    A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vaction, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.

    Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - hes got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasnt fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

    The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didnt get any sleep. They said, Man, what happened to you? He said, Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldnt get any sleep.

    The following night it was a different deputys turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof hes so loud. I watched him all night.

    The third night was Franks turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a mans man. Said he wasnt gonna put up with any snoring, Well see! said the other deputies. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. �
    Good morning, wonderful day outside isnt it? he said.

    They couldnt believe it! They said, Man, what happened? He said, Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didnt snore a bit, hehe.


    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of

    years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a

    terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick things into the pickle


    His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but

    Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

    He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once

    that something was seriously wrong.

    "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

    "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge about the pickle slicer?"

    "Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

    "Yes, I did." he replied.

    "My gosh, Bill, what happened?"

    "I got fired."

    "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

    "Oh...she got fired too."


    There was once a captain of a privateer ship that was well-know for raising the morale of his crew.
    One day the ship-hand from the Crow's nest yells: "Captain! Two enemy ships sighted and closing!"
    The Captain upon hearing this,commands the nearest crew member :"Fetch my red shirt!"
    After the battle a new, young crew member asks the Captain:" Why is it that you called for a red shirt before the battle?"
    The Captain responds:"The red shirt would hide if I was wounded and you men wouldn't lose hope at seeing me hurt."
    The young man is astounded at the Captain's ingenius thinking.

    The next day another yell comes from the Crow's nest:"CAPTAIN! TEN ENEMY SHIPS APPROACH!!"
    The Captain stands for a short moment and then calls to a nearby ship-hand:"Bring my brown pants!!!"


    Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
    The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends,Cooter and Gomer.
    The three men had always done everything together.
    Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
    Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
    The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
    The mortician thought this was rather strange.
    So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
    Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
    Roll him over.'
    The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
    The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
    Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
    'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
    'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
    'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'


    A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
    Older Woman: Oh, I see.
    Officer: Can I see your license please?
    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
    Officer: Don't have one?
    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
    Older Woman: I can't do that.
    Officer: Why not?
    Older Woman: I stole this car.
    Officer: Stole it?
    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
    Officer: You what?
    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
    to see
    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
    for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
    slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman
    steps out of her vehicle.
    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
    murdered the owner.
    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
    The officer is quite stunned.
    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
    to the officer.
    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
    license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

    if there is anything wrong with these its vipers fault for not editing them :p
  2. Guest

  3. FransSny


    16 Oct 2008
    Likes Received:
    Real classics there scuba !

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