It's Monday - need a laugh..

DragonReef

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This is too funny..

6q92he8.jpg
 

Copperband

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Tequila Christmas Cake

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level
cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of
butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try
another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs
and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit
gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of
salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain
your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever
you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try
not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw
the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with
the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!
 

Mike

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Hello?"



"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"



"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."



After a brief pause,



Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."



"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."



Brief Pause.


"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."







"Okay Daddy, just a minute."



A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.



"I did it Daddy."







"And what happened honey?"


"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"




"Oh my God!!!



What about your Uncle Paul?"



"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."





***Long Pause***





***Longer Pause***



***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?





Is this 486-5731?"







"No, this is 486-5713....."





"sorry wrong number"
 

Mike

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The teacher said to the class, "I want you all to think if there were five
sparrows on a fence and one got shot, how many would be left?"
Little Johny stuck his hand up and said "None Miss, 'cos all the other's
would fly away."
"No", said the teacher, "the answer is four. But I like the way you were
thinking".

Johny then asked the teacher if he could ask her a question, to which
she agreed.
Johny asked, "If there were three ladies with ice creams. one licking, one
nibbling at the edges and one sucking at the ice cream, which one is
married?"
The teacher thought and then replied, "the one sucking at the ice
cream."
Johny said, "Nope. the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you
were thinking".
 

Mike

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Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy: "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard!"
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Mike

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
 

Mike

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After getting all of the Popes' luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on
the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls
over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one
look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on
the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and
five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
 

Mike

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a husband and wife are driving home one night when they hit and wound a skunk. the wife walks back to where the skunk is injured and shouts to her husband, "it must be cold it's shivering"

husband: "well stick it between your legs to warm it up."

wife: "but it stinks."

husband: "well, hold it's f***ing nose then".
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viper357

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Yeah, all he can do is copy and paste, can't come up with anything original can he :tt2:
 

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