– David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed out of the World Cup – his record of doing absolutely nothing in a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney. – The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Jamal, aged six. – I’ve just won two tickets to see the England team. Do you want to come with me? We’ll catch the bus to Gatwick Airport on Thursday and watch them come home. – I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock. – What’s the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer. – Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied: “No way. You got yourself into this mess. Don’t ask me to sort it out!” – What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee. – Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door. – I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian. – What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He switches off the Play Station. – What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day. – What’s the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining. – Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England’s top scorer.