I am changing my practices completely

Discussion in 'General Discussions and Advice' started by Paul B, 21 Feb 2013.

  1. Paul B

    Paul B

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    I have been reading a lot lately and have decided to upgrade my aquarium practices to incorporate "all" of the advances in the hobby to get my fish in the best possable shape, even better than they were in the sea. I also want to eliminate "all" of my questionable practices so here is a synapsis of what I am going to do from now on.

    I keep reading that changing water is the best thing you can do, so from now on I will be changing at the least one tablespoon of seawater every 22 minutes for 6 days a week. On Sunday I will only change that amount hourly. And I will be using "level" tablespoons, no cheating.
    The salinity of the make up water will be checked no longer than 35 minutes before it is used and I will use a nuclear calibrated refractometer that I will buy from NASA. After we dismantled the space program they have refractometers left over fro the Mars probe project.

    The salt mix I will use is custom made on a spicific mountaintop in the Alps in France where the temperature and humidity is perfect to make ASW.
    The workers in the salt plant will wear hair nets and paper booties.

    For food, I have found a Chief in Belgium who will shell and devain each individual mysis and check it for disease, paracites, sex and geneology. Only female mysis from the upper class strains will be used.
    I will suppliment the fishes diet with clams that I will have grown from eggs in Fiji. I will have the clams harvested when they are exactly 3 years and 5 months old.
    Each clam will be read to (the classics) and individually fed throughout their life from a "new" baster.

    Any algae discovered in the tank will facilitate the entire emptying of the tank and subsequent steam cleaning while the animals are housed in a sterile room in a safe house in the Bronx New York.

    The glass will be cleaned by the same company that washes the windows on the Sears Tower in Chicago (USA).

    Lighting will a little more complicated. Early in the morning the first lighting will be from whale oil lamps to simulate starlight over the ocean. Those lamps will gradually dim as the morning progresses, the next lights to provide illumination will be headlights from a vintage 1954 Porche but those will only be on for 47 minutes until the banks of LEDs come on which will be supplimented by actual movies of the sun over Sumatra at noon.

    Suppliments will be prepared by a retired NASA scientist with degrees in at least 7 different chemistry fields and he should have graduated in the top 2% of his class in all fields. If he was also the Validictorian that is a plus.

    My tank has been called a sewer and a garbage dump, so to remady that, the only decorations used will have been previousely used in an operation room from Saint Francis Heart hospital in Long Island New York (USA).

    The livestock will not be "caught" but gradually aclimated to aquarium life in the sea by gently coaxing the fish into a glass enclosure while playing clasical music and piping it into the enclosure via waterproof speakers. Only fish that feel comfortable with this music and enclosure will be brought to the surface one inch at a time and transported on a fairly new yacht to their new home.

    The room where I will keep this tank will be painted the same shade of blue that the sky over Bora Bora is. Of course a professional artist will be needed for that and not just a "painter".

    Quarantining will be performed for at least 3 years in a sterile, hermetically sealed, stainless steel and carbon fiber container.

    I feel that these paractice along with a few others )that I won't mention because they may seem by some to be "over the top") will be used to try to quell the feelings that my tank is dirty and a discrace.
    And I will never mention Paris...................France again. (what did you think I would say?)
    What are your thoughts on this? :blush:
     
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  3. Albert Terego

    Albert Terego

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    We all know stability is the key, so your water change regimen look spot on to me, although I would suggest changing a tablespoon every 21.5 minutes rather than 22 minutes. This will allow you to increase the water change intervals on Sundays - allowing you to catch a decent nap between water changes (after all it is meant to be a day of rest).
     
    Last edited: 21 Feb 2013
  4. Trasique

    Trasique tahir

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    brilliant, these ideas will definitely be incorporated into the book I am writing titled Psychopaths in Marine Husbandry.
     
  5. irie ivan

    irie ivan MASA Contributor

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    Yeah, just to add, it would be better if you bought your in house scientist a mass spectrometer to measure each of the known elements, and work the defecient ones into the waterchange scheme.. Or even better, mix the water change water to the required elemental requirements, as this will further ensure stability and cancel out supplimentation.
    You have not mentioned anything about flow? You need to incorporate tidsl flux in terms of flow, temperature, O2 gradient and nutrient loads at the very least.
     
  6. irie ivan

    irie ivan MASA Contributor

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    Wow, I feel honoured...
    As not dedicating at least a chapter to me would render the title inaccurate. :)
     
  7. dallasg

    dallasg Moderator MASA Contributor

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    Those alp salt makers, blue or white booties?
     
  8. dallasg

    dallasg Moderator MASA Contributor

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    I won't need a chapter, just a mention in the appendix
     
  9. Paul B

    Paul B Thread Starter

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    Actually I am coming out with a book, but it will be different from most books. Albert Thiel has a book coming out in a few weeks (I actually ordered it) anyway my book will be somewhat like his book, well actually it is exactly like his book, word for word but on the pages where he features crustaceans like coral banded shrimp and arrow crabs, I will have supermodels. And the cover will be slightly different. On my book cover will be a picture of Angilina Jolie standing next to my boat holding in her left hand a picture of a percula clownfish and in her right hand she will be holding a picture of me.
    I wanted her to stand next to me but she said there aren't enough sardines in the sea for that to happen.
     
  10. dallasg

    dallasg Moderator MASA Contributor

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    ? Important scientific question
     
  11. Paul B

    Paul B Thread Starter

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    Whatever is on sale
     
  12. dallasg

    dallasg Moderator MASA Contributor

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    That's the secret!

    Are you going to get the Large Hadron Collider to power as a backup? Maybe be enough for return pump
     
  13. Paul B

    Paul B Thread Starter

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    Now that would be over the top. I am doing this on a budget
     
  14. RocketRooster

    RocketRooster

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    Heh! This thread delivers.
     
  15. carlosdeandrade

    carlosdeandrade

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    The music interests me, my tomatoes love AC/DC, makes them really red, I wonder if the zooanthellae will turn pink if I play them RuPaul?
     
  16. Visser

    Visser MASA Contributor

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    Here in pretoria-za, we have a place called weskoppies...
    Only people with "special" gifts & "crazy" reefing skills are allowed in there....
    I can definitely see a couple of us being allowed in there pretty soon!:tt2:
     
  17. Wes

    Wes

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    wow some of you guys have way too much time, or retired?
     
  18. carlosdeandrade

    carlosdeandrade

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  19. dallasg

    dallasg Moderator MASA Contributor

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    i dont sleep :)

    having said that, i can do your midnight water changes paul
     
  20. carlosdeandrade

    carlosdeandrade

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  21. MistaOrange

    MistaOrange

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    You guys crack me up.:tt2:
     
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