How to survive a shark attack!

Discussion in 'The Sump' started by chikaboo, 23 Sep 2009.

  1. chikaboo

    chikaboo

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    How to survive a shark attack
    1: Don't swim in the ocean.

    Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.
    2: Listen out for the music.
    In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.
    3: Swim with fat people.
    Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
    4: Don't go into the water without a knife.
    This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freekin life.
    And finaly.....
    5: Don't panic.
    In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling
    Hope this helps.
     
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  3. sweetnsour

    sweetnsour

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    Very interesting and informative write up chicaboo thanks!
     
  4. jacquesb

    jacquesb Retired Moderator

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    LOL Chikaboo! I have ONE suggestion - look the SHARK IN THE EYE! ;)

    When I SCUBA dive, and look them in the eye - see - no shark attack! ;) :p LOL! :thumbup:
     
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