Help needed on how to deal with alcoholic

Discussion in 'The Sump' started by chikaboo, 7 May 2010.

  1. chikaboo

    chikaboo

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    Hi all as your'll must have noticed I've been very scarce the past few days ... I was living my life like some movies .... Very very hectic covering over 4000km's "looking" for my brother-in-law .... Getting home into the late hours of the morning after futile attempts of finding him ... fearing the worst as we had no contact with him from Sunday ..... He and his drinking buddy ended up getting involved in crazy situations in Durban Beachfront with Nigerians and only managed to get him alive but badly beaten up early this morning ...... He was not knocking at Deaths door ... he was bloody sitting and having a few shots with Mr Death himself.... Now before its too late I'm seeking advice from anyone that might know how to deal with this situation coz after being married for 10 years now reaching saturation point with my bro-in-law ... Even after just coming out of Rehab only 1 month ago he still is craving all this and putting us all through hell ... If anyone can please offer some advice it will be much appreciated ... even if anyone can pm me a few places we can try as we all think "next time" we might not be so lucky.... We have started by taking away his ID,banking cards car keys, drivers licence and leaving it with one of the neighbours that lectures in the AA ... but need to get him help ... He already has managed to "erase" a 15 year career as a policeman , a loving wife and 2 beautiful daughters .... I think if he a marine tank he would definately have no money to spend on "cooldrink" ... Ok on a more serious note ... Any suggestions?
     
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  3. jacquesb

    jacquesb Retired Moderator

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    Eish Chika - really sorry to hear, mate. I had to deal with that with my father-in-law. Fortunately/unforturtunately - he did "drink himself to death". He died when he was 45 years old. His liver burst.......

    Unfortunately - there's not much I can say to help. Because absolutely EVERYTHING I did - or tried to do, was stopped by my mother-in-law. Believe me - it was a very physical time for me......

    Perhaps try and get someone from the Police (perhaps someone you might know - or that even he himself might know) - to "lock him up" every time he has drunk this much. That he can sober up behind bars. Perhaps he will learn his lesson this way?

    I dunno. Sorry.... I wish I could help any more...... Sorry to hear about your tribulation with your brother-in-law....
     
  4. chikaboo

    chikaboo Thread Starter

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    Same boat as you ... My mother-in-laws "petting" protects him all the time and she savvy's him out of every situation ... Unfortunately the police are no help as they feel he is a fellow ex colleague and dont want to lock him up ... And he is a sweet talker ... He even managed to sweet talk the Superintendant of the Traffic Dept at the Mooi Toll Plaza into not locking them up on Monday after being caught for drunken driving ... Then following that lead I was in Durbs on Tuesday Night then to Umzinto then another possible lead in Harrismith only to hear we must go back to Durban when his buddy arrived home all beaten up and drunk and said he left him in Durban somewhere but does not know where.... They come from a small farm town where there is no even traffic light thats how small the population is.... But even my mother-in-law has reached her limit after seeing what could have happened yesterday....
     
  5. FransSny

    FransSny

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    Damn buddy sorry to hear, one of our best friends has a similar issue with her brother.

    Unfortunately not much you can do , he needs to do it himself. If you can prove he is a danger to himself / others there are legal routes but very expensive and long.

    I cant give you advice , just prayers and good wishes
     
  6. milflo

    milflo

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    I can tell you from experience that you can't do anymore than you have unless he decides he wants to sort himself out.

    You can't hold his hand all day and all night. I think it's important for you and your wife to truly accept that you can't be responsible for another adult's life choices.

    All you can do is tell him that you do love him and that when he's serious about getting his life on track, you will both be there to give him all the support he needs.

    Often addicts are craving the attention that their behavior attracts. Hard to do but next time he disappears, maybe you shouldn't react the way you did this time. It sounds like he needs some tough love and to realise that he can't abuse his family in this way and expect you to run around after him. If you do, he has no incentive to stop what he's doing.

    My ex-girlfriend got involved in drugs after we broke up with her new boyfriend. Her parents used to phone me at 2am out of their minds with worry and ask me to look for her. I did for a few months and had numerous run-in's with this wanker and his friends. Eventually I sat down with her parents. Told them to book her into rehab for as long as necessary and STOP chasing after her. She went into rehab, came out promising to be clean. Then she hooked up with her boyfriend again and misbehaved a few times. Parents then locked her out the house and left all her clothes and stuff on the lawn. After a further 2 weeks with parents not knowing where she was, she went home, begged them to take her back and has been clean ever since.

    Sheesh - really kak situation. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: 7 May 2010
  7. Midasblenny

    Midasblenny

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    There is unfortunately very little one can do until the person wishes to stop, then help will be best given.
    Tough love comes to mind, dont try and help till the addict wants to really stop. Easier said than done of course, i wish you well.
     
  8. chikaboo

    chikaboo Thread Starter

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    Thanx Guys Fortunately for me I grew up in a very strict household with both my parents being old school teachers thats showed my sis and I tough love .... My wife and mum-in-law only react like this coz my father-in-law past away like 17 years ago and the only father figure (their big brother) went out on a breakdown to Senekal somewhere near Bloem an was found murdered 1 week later leaving behind his wife and four children ... so that fear of the younger spoil brat brother is that this going to happen but he has been even to some "Vista" hospital I think near Pretoria for 3 months maybe 2 years back .... but we are running out of options ... If I had my way even at 35 years old I would arrange a good bloody spanking!
     
  9. leslie hempel

    leslie hempel Moderator MASA Contributor

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    dude my father in law is the same, he's so bad we need to ration him booze otherwise he gets out of controll.. he will pick a fight with you and it takes everything in me to remain restrained.. he has even recently stolen money from me.. i have come to a point of not even greeting him anymore.. i sympathise for your situation.. not much to offer in terms of advice but you are not alone.. good luck
     
  10. lIghty

    lIghty

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    Sorry to hear this Chika, like the guys have said, there's not much you can do, running behind him can only make things worse..... If you mother in law wants to "savvy" him every time, then tell her you are done now, she can run and find him next time, gotta be crewl to be kind?

    As for his cop "buddies", maybe tell them that his actions will be on their shoulders if they don't help, and more inportantly, do there jobs!
     
  11. chikaboo

    chikaboo Thread Starter

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    I've arranged for a family meeting to let them know that I've reached my limit and knowing I did what I could for the past 10 years but if there's a repeat performance and we not successful in bringing him back, I will sleep peacefully at night knowing I tried ... Just as a last resort thought maybe someone here knew of a success story of someplace we can leave him for a thorough clean out and where they will be more strict than the people at the AA.... BTW thanx for all the well wishes so far
     
  12. LuckyFish

    LuckyFish MASA Contributor

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    Chica, as long as he get some attention from either side, he won't change.
    Everybody has to be or play the hard and tough one to teach him a lesson. Rehab is a good thing, but if you release a clean person back into their old social circle, he will be back to his old habbits in no time.
    There is somewhere in the country an institution, sort of a game farm, where addicts learn responsibility with having wild animals around them all the time.
    The influence of these animals, like elephants, cheetahs, etc. is really amazing.
    Important is, that he doesn't get any support, when he got only a bit alc in. Only support him, love him, hug him, whatever, when he is really dry.
    His whole lifestyle needs to be changed.
    He needs a hobby, joining the gym or something.
    He must get out of his deprest live and his depressing buddies.
    Once he got a drink in and even it was only a zip, you guys have to ignore him.
    It is actually like training a dog.
    But still, it will be a mission. If you say "A" but your mom in law says "B", this will never end.
    Then you have to draw yourself out of this situation for your own good.
    Maybe you can find out about this game farm rehab project. It is really worth
    it. Good luck and take my advise. If you can't work together, you have to pull out!
     
  13. chikaboo

    chikaboo Thread Starter

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    Thanks Buddy will definately try to find this place ... anyone here know of where I can start looking ... My anger has basically subsided and really would like to help but I am firm in my mind about reaching my limit ... Sad thing I was thinking what I could have bought when I was driving around the country looking for a person that jumped into the fire himself!
     
  14. LuckyFish

    LuckyFish MASA Contributor

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    The SABC should know. I am sure I saw this game farm on SABC.
    Can't afford DSTV! :-(
     
  15. LuckyFish

    LuckyFish MASA Contributor

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    The influence of dealing with wild animals during rehab of addicts is similar like the influence of dolphins on authistic children!
     
  16. colbar

    colbar

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    So sorry you are going thru all this, it really is very draining, emotionally, financially and of course on all the people involved. Alcoholism is a disease. They actually cannot help themselves. Not that that makes the situation any better, but as everyone has said you all need to go the "Tough Love" route and let him do what he has to do. Not easy advice to follow but instead of you trying to get help for him, perhaps you should contact "Tough Love" and get the family involved in learning how to deal with this situation. As a child I lived with an alcoholic mother who was in and out of rehabs numerous times. She would be clean for a week or two and then back to the same old tricks.
    She managed to kill herself at the age of 42. My thoughts are with you all and hope you find some solution to this horrible, horrible problem.
     
  17. AndrévN

    AndrévN

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    Sorry to hear Chic. I am sorry to say but there is nothing you can do to stop him A person has to become sober by himself or lets say out of his own free will. My father in Law was an alcoholic and drank himself to death. 2 Bottles of Whiskey each day until his liver was totally screwed. He stole money, furniture, clothing, everthing you can think of from us. He even borrowed money on our name from people we knew and then used to vanish. Its a long and hard road and i eventually banned him from my house, the only way i could get myself not to hate him was to actually never see him again. But my kids doesnt know this to this day. I am not keen on keeping a grudge and by remembering the good he had i can actually smile about all the kak he made for all of us.

    So in short, a spanking would not help. :nono: These people cannot control themself and neather can they help it, and it must be absolutely horrible for him. For someone not having this sickness i think we cannot even imagine what hell he goes through every single day of his life. For him it is a way of forgetting and in a drunken state you dont have to worry about anything, you are in a different zone. The longer you stay in this state the better for you.

    So please forgive him for this, for he knows not what he is doing. Close the door and forget of him, but never think bad of him. Remember only the good. It is not his fault he cannot get rid of this, it is merely a question of freewill that we were given as you know yourself. I cannot give up smoking, i can imagine how it must feel for someone in his position to try and give up drinking.

    A lesson i have learn from an old friend Sean K one day, mine was just about temper, and he was taught on some camp he went on. Turned his life around so did mine.

    Good luck and Pray for him my friend.
     
  18. Anemone

    Anemone

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    Chikaboo, you’re in a tough position. I do agree that his whole lifestyle needs to be changed. He needs to find another passion. Depression often leads to alcohol abuse, with the alcohol abuse being a temporary fix for the depression, but unfortunately it increases the depression…Thus the desire to keep drinking. There is likely something deep down that is causing him pain.

    He needs professional help first. Once he gets that you can offer support by doing things with him to keep him busy. Let him know that you will always be there to help…as long as he is trying to improve. Don’t let him jeopardize your family in the process.

    I lost my sister-in-law about 9 years ago. She drank heavily, daily. She would pass out in front of her 8 and 13 year old daughters. This was a normal life for those girls. When she didn’t come home one night nobody worried about her. They figured she passed out at a friend’s house. Well, some kids on their way to football practice found her body. She had fallen the night before, hit her head, was knocked unconscious and landed face down in a few inches of water. She drowned in those few inches of water. Nine years later the effects are still apparent in their daughters.
     
  19. seank

    seank

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    Take him to church ;)
     
  20. chikaboo

    chikaboo Thread Starter

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    Thanx all .... Fortunately When he was getting married he had a church wedding and the family had no objection coz we all very liberal members here ... so if thats what made him and his partner happy then so be it and I have a friend that I know from primary school days that is pastor that I''m going to try and help us as well...... BTW we've tried this road before but helps for awhile ... we are running out of options that we have not tried!
     
  21. Anemone

    Anemone

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    How old are his daughters? Does he see them? Could they make an impact that might wake him up a bit?
     
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