Disorder in the court...

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Tobes, 22 May 2009.

  1. Tobes

    Tobes Retired Moderator

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    Disorder In The Court...

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.

    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Uh....
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Huh?

    ____________________________________________


    And the best for last


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

     
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  3. Mike

    Mike Retired Moderator

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    Old but still brilliantly funny:)
     
  4. RUAN

    RUAN

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    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA:biglaugh::biglaugh:
     
  5. scubaninja

    scubaninja

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    i have now lost faith in the american law system. there must just be a couple of clowns tryin to be worse than each other
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
  6. Jaak

    Jaak

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    A classic oldie!
     
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