Chinese doctor's advice..... hmmmm

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Tobes, 30 Jun 2009.

  1. Tobes

    Tobes Retired Moderator

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    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.Want to live longer? Take a nap.


    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
    And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficientmechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even moreof the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!It's the best feel-good food around
    !

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


    And remember
    :
    'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'

    AND.....


    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    CONCLUSION


    Eat and drink what you like.
    Speaking English is apparently what kills yo
    u.
    *****************************************************************************
     
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  3. chikaboo

    chikaboo

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    :lol: This one for me? - Did you catch the Sunday program on cuttlefish - I sent sms to you
     
  4. kalkwasser

    kalkwasser

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    LOL
     
  5. FransSny

    FransSny

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    I knew being a soutie is not good ;)
     
  6. Tobes

    Tobes Thread Starter Retired Moderator

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    No Chika, not for you, for everyone :p

    I missed it man, saw the sms too late :(
     
  7. Mike

    Mike Retired Moderator

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    Speaking English isn't the issue - being American is;)
     
  8. Jaak

    Jaak

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    Classic!!
     
  9. jacquesb

    jacquesb Retired Moderator

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    Hey - A HUGE LOT of that is indeed TRUE!

    What was the punchline? I only got the facts that I read! ;)
     
  10. RUAN

    RUAN

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    hahaha
     
  11. coral diver

    coral diver

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    Hey that's not Fair LOL!
     
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