I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? All generalizations are false, including this one. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies! You are depriving some poor village of its idiot! Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom Grow your own dope, plant a man. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.